Beautiful
by D-Channerz
Summary: Shuichi ponders Ryuichi's death...


Title: Beautiful (I'm not sure I like the title...)  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own Gravitation... *glares* So don't sue me!  
  
Warnings: Death fic; Shuichi's POV  
  
Notes: Okay, number one, this is my first Gravi fic, and probably the only one I'll ever write. Number two, I really hated writing this (Ryuichi is my favorite character, and it killed ME making him die like this...T_T I think killing ANY of the Gravi characters is just WRONG on so many levels...), but I couldn't get the idea out of my head, so... here it is. I'm sorry if this offends people in any way... I tried not to make it too... er... depressing, but I think I failed. x_x; The story line has of course, been done before, so it's nothing big or original. Third... I'm not sure if you'll find Shuichi's character OOC... I mean, if he seems weird, consider the circumstances-- he's grieving, people. So of course he's not going to be his normal genki self, okay? Okay. Let me know what you think though... But PLEASE, no flames. Thank you.  
  
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Suicide.  
  
That's what everyone said it was. They said he'd been taking far too many sleeping pills, every night. And he had taken up drinking, too.  
  
At first this was a shock to all of us, but then we suddenly remembered. He had once told Tohma that he was having nightmares, and couldn't sleep. Sometimes I wonder what those nightmares were about, but I guess I'll never know. When we first heard about this, we all believed that it was just a temporary thing, and Tohma even offered to get him some kind of psychiatric help for it, but Sakuma-san was just so stubborn... He said he didn't want to be treated like he was crazy.  
  
Sort of funny hearing someone like him say that.  
  
I guess the nightmares continued, but after a while, Tohma stopped asking him if he needed help since Sakuma-san never complained about it again. Things went on like normal, and no one suspected that this man was slowly, but surely dying before our very eyes. He kept up his child-like facade. His face stayed the same. Even his incredibly gorgeous voice didn't change. But what we didn't look at were the way his eyes looked so pained all the time. When he smiled, it never reached his eyes anymore. And there were his sudden mood swings that seemed to become more frequent every day. Sure, we knew he could go from incredibly cute to dead serious in a matter of seconds, but this was different... It was like he got so emotional over little things, and sometimes he would come to work with tears in his eyes. We would ask why, and he would just smile, shrug, and play with Kumagaro.  
  
We also didn't pay attention to the way he tired himself out everyday. I could see him being worn down before, but never like this. It looked like he couldn't breathe sometimes, and we all worried that maybe he /was/ getting too old for this. He would wave us away, collect himself, and the skip out of the room like nothing was wrong. And we believed it. We believed it.  
  
And then his heart failed, and he died in his apartment while lying awake in bed the night after a big concert. His final concert, I guess you could say.  
  
That performance had been spectacular. Fans for both Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper were there, and it was so high out in the crowd, it still makes me dizzy thinking about it. To think that so many people could love us that much is really rather amazing, and strangely satisfying. I love it. I love the feeling of the crowd, moving with me when I dance, singing my lyrics, screaming my name wildly. It makes me feel so... different. Like I'm someone else. And even though my music is all I can give them, they love me anyway. Just these jumbled emotions put to songs appease them, and that makes me love my fans even more.  
  
Sakuma-san felt the same way, I'm sure. I remember nearly jumping off the stage just as Nittle Grasper made their appearance. The crowd seemed to get louder and louder as Sakuma-san appeared on the platform, the hot lights burning down on him, and his white shirt hanging open, eyes closed. I almost started screaming myself when he started singing. There he was, Sakuma Ryuichi. My role model, my idol. He was beautiful, pure and simple. I wondered if he knew that. I know Tatsuha-san would tell him so all the time, whenever they were together. I even told him once, with absolute adoration in my eyes. And he smiled. He just smiled at me.  
  
I love people, naturally. And then there are three who I love the most. Hiro, my best friend, my savior. He's been there so many times, more than I can count, and I love him for that. I love him for just listening to me whine and complain, I love him for all those times when I've been down, and he's always been there with a strong shoulder to cry on and a box of pocky. Having a friend like him is a miracle in itself, and sometimes I wonder if I could have made it this far without him.  
  
And then there's Yuki. I know, I know. That's the most obvious one, but really... Yuki is my world. Sure, he doesn't treat me like a typical lover would, and he's not exactly all sweet and romantic (he CAN be when he wants to though), but he's mine. All mine. And I'm all his, he knows that for sure. I tell him all the time that I could never live without him, and he just scoffs at me. He thinks I don't see that tiny blush on his face, or the way his eyes soften when I tell him that I would chase him to the ends of the earth if it meant just being close to him. Silly Yuki. [1]  
  
And finally... Ryuichi. I loved that man so much, it scares me when I think about it, even now. And I haven't stopped loving him. It's, of course, a different kind of love. Different from what I feel for Hiro, for Yuki, for anyone in my life. This love is almost reverent. I don't worship him (that was Tatsuha-san's job...), of course, but it's something close to it. I feel like we were the same, and yet... different. People say all that the time that he and I were very much alike, but I don't think I could ever become even little bit close to his god-like countenance. Sakuma-san was so out there, apart from everyone else. He had his own world, his own universe, far away from ours. And yet he paid us a visit every so often from his place in the sky, gracing us with his ethereal presence, and bringing complete joy and awe to those he came in contact with.  
  
But little did we all know that his universe was about to collide with ours, and shatter. He finished the last song, and the crowd exploded with cheers. I watched him from the side, watched him smile at everyone. And then... I saw it. A tear, rolling slowly down his cheek. Anyone might have thought it was just sweat, but I knew it wasn't. He was crying. Crying that it was over, crying because he knew that he would never be able to see these people anymore, crying just for the sake of crying... I don't know why. He just was, and for a moment I felt like crying myself. Something was different, and I couldn't believe that I hadn't realized it until that moment. He was saying goodbye.  
  
He left immediately after the concert was over, and then he was gone.  
  
I first heard the news from K early the next morning, and right after I got that call I fell to the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Yuki woke up and came to see what was wrong. I couldn't tell him at first, because I didn't believe it myself. How could he die? There was no possible way. Ryuichi wasn't the type to just kill himself. He was... Ryuichi!  
  
I remember going to the funeral in a daze, looking at all grief stricken faces of the people he had known and now left behind. It killed me to think that he could have done this to himself. To think that he died, for what seemed like no reason at all. I cried so hard that day, harder than I ever have before. And then I remember Yuki leading me over to Tohma and Noriko to give my condolences. They both looked so distant. I knew they had always thought of Sakuma-san as part of their own families. Ryuichi didn't really have one, but he belonged to everyone else's. When I shook Tohma's hand, I could feel him shaking. It was strange, knowing that the all powerful Seguchi Tohma was breaking down right in front of me. I had always seen him so calm, and now... he looked as though he were about to burst into tears. I'm sure it wouldn't have been the first time since Ryuichi's death.  
  
Noriko wasn't as "subtle" I guess you could say. She threw her arms around my neck and cried, and I eventually joined in. It was all I could do. Nittle Grasper was finally laid to rest, that day.  
  
Tatsuha-san was crushed. No one could look at him without shuddering. He stood in the corner, not talking to anyone, and no one dared speak to him. Of course I went over to him anyway, and tried to console him. He merely stared back at me, and I don't think he could really hear my voice. Maybe he had died too... After the funeral was over, I watched him leave. I haven't seen him since. Yuki says he went back to work at the temple for good. I don't believe him, though. [2]  
  
Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and the months turned to years. I haven't stopped wondering why Ryuichi killed himself.  
  
I thought I knew. In my life, I have found happiness. I guess Sakuma-san had yet to find his, and so he took the only way out.  
  
Nittle Grasper still hasn't lost their popularity, but there will be no more live concerts, or autographs. Nothing at all. But then nothing can erase him from everyone's hearts. He has always been in mine, and he will never leave. Because that's just the effect Sakuma-san had on people. He gave them something, and never asked for anything in return. He showed people his heart and soul through not only his music, but through his actions. And we loved him. We still do.  
  
I suppose that now I've learned to move on, but everyday, when I looked up at the sky and feel the warm sun or I see the stars and the moon, I think of him... He was the sun, giving all of us warmth. He was also the starlit night, a true mystery. And he was beautiful. Simply... beautiful.  
  
~Owari~  
  
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Notes: Sad, ne? Not one of my favorite fics to write. *frowns* And what an abrupt ending. I'm glad it's over. Maybe someday I'll write a sequel, explaining why Ryuichi did this to himself. Perhaps we'll find out what the nightmares were about... *dramatic gasp* Dun, dun, DUN! Anyway... Review please.  
  
[1]- Ah, had to add this in for all the Yuki/Shu fangirls. ^^;; Ehehehe... It wasn't too blatant, was it? *sweatdrops*  
  
[2]- You can take this any way you want to. I thought it MIGHT make sense if Tat-chan died too, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. ._. *sigh* So I just sort of hinted at it. I don't want to make killing off bishounen a new habit or anything... *sniffles* And I know his part seems quite uncharacteristic (or OOC... whatever) and rather absurd, but I had to stick him in there SOMEWHERE. 


End file.
